I'm an Ass

It is a while since I have written anything remotely substantial in terms of creativity. Doing a degree causes unending destruction to the creative spirit. Yet here I am. Refusing to be beaten by the apparent necessity for qualification. The choice between writing for fun or writing for deadlines; an unhappy ultimatum ultimately ignored. I made writing for deadlines fun (or as fun as it can be) and have surfaced from the waterboarding of a degree almost a year after it is complete.

Yet struggle makes you stronger. Makes you harder.

So they say.

Yet I believe this to be untrue.

Struggle does not make one stronger or harder. I mean it can, if you let it take some of your humanity away. Sometimes struggles cause us to give the illusion we're strong. We don't want to go through that again so we show the world how strong we are by making sure we look strong. We place on our selves a mask. A mask to intimidate and fend off threats. We do not leave ourselves vulnerable to friends, we trust little and we make sure we look good so people know our strength. This happens when struggles batter our humanity.

But if we actually let the struggles build our humanity rather than chip it away then we might find a differenct kind of strength. Struggles can make one more understanding, empathetic, gracious. If one is strong enough to let them.

I used to get worried about friendships. I used to grip them so tightly my heart hurt at the smallest rejection.

Now I see things differently. I don't mind that my short friend doesn't contact me often, or that the dark haired one hasn't been seen in a year, or that the lanky one doesn't reply to my facebook messages, or that the older one no longer emails. I have realised that they're people, like me. They have worries, concerns, joys, thrills, fears and longings which might make them self absorbed. Who am I to moan about that? I'm self absorbed too. What a hypocrite I would be to complain. So I don't. Instead I have realised; I'm an ass, you're an ass. Get over it.

See Awareness by Anthony De Mello on understanding selfishness and being an ass.

My Prayer Today

I lift this prayer to you O Lord.

I am weak and weary. My vision is blurred. My walk has become a stumble.

Lift me up God. Hold me in your arms once more.

I have had enough of aloneness. I am created to be in community. Yet do not rid me of my awareness, I pray you would make it deeper.

Be with me and guide me if thou would'st.

I would be grateful.

Amen

Fire to the Stars

The stench of darkness,

Discordant with the long forgotten stars,

Stretching beyond the horizon,

Bleakness.

Wait!

There!

A spark. Did you see that?

It sparked I tell you.

The hope sparked!

But it has gone again

Blown out in this land of despair

For now

Yet if it is sought, one day it will surely be found

Then it will not go out.

The wood will be ready

And the fire will blaze to the sky,

Its light reaching to the horizon,

Its heat burning away the clouds,

To reveal the stars once more.