I'm an Ass

It is a while since I have written anything remotely substantial in terms of creativity. Doing a degree causes unending destruction to the creative spirit. Yet here I am. Refusing to be beaten by the apparent necessity for qualification. The choice between writing for fun or writing for deadlines; an unhappy ultimatum ultimately ignored. I made writing for deadlines fun (or as fun as it can be) and have surfaced from the waterboarding of a degree almost a year after it is complete.

Yet struggle makes you stronger. Makes you harder.

So they say.

Yet I believe this to be untrue.

Struggle does not make one stronger or harder. I mean it can, if you let it take some of your humanity away. Sometimes struggles cause us to give the illusion we're strong. We don't want to go through that again so we show the world how strong we are by making sure we look strong. We place on our selves a mask. A mask to intimidate and fend off threats. We do not leave ourselves vulnerable to friends, we trust little and we make sure we look good so people know our strength. This happens when struggles batter our humanity.

But if we actually let the struggles build our humanity rather than chip it away then we might find a differenct kind of strength. Struggles can make one more understanding, empathetic, gracious. If one is strong enough to let them.

I used to get worried about friendships. I used to grip them so tightly my heart hurt at the smallest rejection.

Now I see things differently. I don't mind that my short friend doesn't contact me often, or that the dark haired one hasn't been seen in a year, or that the lanky one doesn't reply to my facebook messages, or that the older one no longer emails. I have realised that they're people, like me. They have worries, concerns, joys, thrills, fears and longings which might make them self absorbed. Who am I to moan about that? I'm self absorbed too. What a hypocrite I would be to complain. So I don't. Instead I have realised; I'm an ass, you're an ass. Get over it.

See Awareness by Anthony De Mello on understanding selfishness and being an ass.